Pretending

The scariest thing about people is their ability to pretend. They pretend to like you, they pretend to care, and they can even pretend to be okay. You can be standing next to the “happiest” person on this planet but deep down, they can be the one that is hurting the most. We suffer in silence for fear of rejection, judgement, not fitting in. We keep our mouths closed because its easier than to have to explain what is going on in your head. We keep our eyes dry around others to avoid the looks of pity or confusion. We keep our mind blank in order to be able to get through the day.

After all, everyone has problems, what makes yours so important.

Truth is, we aren’t okay. We pretend, we smile, we laugh, we act like everything is fine. It is easier to be normal than to be who you really are. They tell you its okay to open up, its okay to let people in. But what they don’t realize is that I don’t want too. I don’t want people to understand what is going on in my head. I don’t want people to feel the emotions that I hide on a  daily basis. As soon as I let someone in, it automatically differs my problems on them. I lived with someone elses problems for years, I refuse to put anyone else in that position. Even if  I did open up or let someone in to how im feeling and what my mind is saying, how do I even know that they will believe me? Anxiety and depression are mental illnesses. Most people don’t even believe in either of them. You cant make people understand what is going on in your head. How are they supposed to understand it when I CANT EVEN UNDERSTAND IT?

We’ve been taught since we were little that pretending to be someone you are not is unacceptable. But what happens when the person you actually are is really the unacceptable one?

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Honest

Life is hard. As much as we want to be strong and pretend it’s not, it is. Problems are real. Money is hard. Finding your path is hard. Finding your soul mate, friends, career, it’s all hard. We watch movies all the time that end in fairy tales. We watch the characters struggle and hurt but we know it will all work out in the end. Why can’t life feel that way? Why can’t we see through all of our struggles? All of our pain. Why can’t we believe that it is all going to be okay in the end? This year has been nothing but hurt after hurt, disappointment after disappointment. I used to be so positive. So on fire for whatever the world could throw at me. I have lost that. I have lost my motivation to be better. I have lost my faith in people. And I have found myself not trusting anyone and pushing everyone away. But how do I not. If I don’t, I am going to let the wrong people in. Of course I won’t think they are the wrong people until they break my heart.

 

I just want to be the same girl that believed, no matter what, everything was going to be okay. I want to be the girl that believes in herself and her strengths. I want to be the girl that believes in love and marriage and the fairy tale romance.

 

But truth be told, I’m not. I just truly do not believe it is in the cards for me. People can say that I’m being dramatic or that I’m naïve or young. But I am so afraid of being hurt again that I would rather stay lonely for the rest of my life then to have to relive the pain of another heartbreak.

To be honest, I don’t know why I can’t get over it.

I don’t understand how someone that loved you could turn around and hurt you so deeply. I will never understand how someone that loved you could go out of their way to make you feel like the worst person on the planet. So unlovable, so unworthy, so useless. I don’t miss who he is, but I miss what he was. I do not miss the relationship but I miss being important to someone.

 

I miss someone just simply asking how my day was or just checking in to ask if I needed anything. I miss someone caring about my dreams and goals. I miss having a partner to do life with. I miss the peace that came from being able to trust another human being with everything in your life. But now its just me. I am relearning how to depend on myself. I know that at the end of the day, it will only be me here and that’s okay. Sometimes I just wish that there was someone else who could relate. But what comes with letting someone in or letting them see you that vulnerable is the chance of letting someone break your heart. Friend, boyfriend, family, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes it is just easier to stay to yourself. Sometimes life can get really lonely but at that same time, life becomes really safe.

Life

You know life is a funny thing. You can be doing so well, thinking that you are going down the right path then BOOM!! Life decides to take a crazy turn. It may be hard, and untrustworthy, and questionable, follow it anyways. Deciding to follow my life as it took me down “the worst” path imaginable, was the best decision I ever made.

On July 4th 2014, my friends asked my crush out with us. That night we stayed together and from then on were inseparable. Our relationship soared and we got serious very quickly. I love you at 3 months, moving in with each other at 6 months. I was in love over my head. We woke up together, went to work together, and came home together. There was no one I ever wanted more. Our relationship did not go without arguments and problems. However, I believed that our love would conquer anything. 2 years in and things were not working out the way they should have been. We were no longer going to bed together, we were fighting all the time, and he was not coming home at nights. I called it quits and decided maybe we needed some time apart. We decided we would work on things from different homes. Things went from bad to worse. He decided he did not love me anymore and from there I was devastated. I thought my whole world was upside down. I didnt know who i was without him and that scared me. I was upset for months and months until one day, i decided i didnt want to be upset anymore.

I picked myself up and reminded myself that there are many different roads in the world and they all can get you where you are supposed to be. My relocation didnt work out, my job didnt work out, my friends, and my relationship didnt work out. But I was still ME. No one could take that away from me. I knew what i wanted in life. I knew what it was going to take to get there. And I was not going to let anyone stand in the way of that anymore. Did i know how i was going to get my life back on track? No, to be honest i still dont. But im trying. I am taking the risks, meeting new people, having a drink, staying up late, creating memories. Life is constantly going to change. It will knock you down and it will make you feel like its not worth it anymore. But it is. Eventually, you will get back up, you will smile again, and you will move on. Life has a funny way of pushing us to our limits just when we need it the most. Its scary and hurtful and hard but if the road your on now isnt making you happy, take a detour. Because sooner or later you will end up on one that will.

“Better Yourself”

Everyone has heard the phrase, “better yourself first, good things will come from it”. What everyone doesn’t hear is how hard it is. How lonely, terrifying, and exhausting it is. There are so many different ways to better yourself. People will tell you to break up with a person or go to the gym or even to start meditating. What they wont tell you is all of the guilt and or frustration that comes from doing these things. Bettering yourself will always be a good thing but just know it is not easily accomplished.

For me, deciding I needed better came from a relationship and a life choice. One day I looked myself in the mirror and honestly couldn’t recognize myself. I had gained 60lbs, I was barely smiling, and I hated who I was becoming. My life consisted of working 50 plus hours a week, going to school, and constantly worrying about my relationship. It was destroying me. Did I love the money I was making? Yes. Was it being spent on me, no. My money was going toward bills and supporting my boyfriend of the time. I always felt guilty for spending any money on myself because what if he needed it more. Was my school making me happy? Yes and no. I loved the empowerment I had gotten from school but I was so invested in my relationship that it caused fights. He didn’t understand the amount of effort I put into school. He rarely encouraged me to go to school or say that he was proud of me. He wasn’t in school so it wasn’t a big deal. So what did all of these things have in common? My relationship. There was the problem.

My whole life ended up being consumed by this relationship. I truly loved this man and would do anything he asked of me. However, with that came fights, money problems, a drug addiction, legal issues, and never ending stress. I decided that I would be the one to fix him. To help him become the best person he could be, because honestly I believed he was capable of it. My problem was that I focused too much on him and not enough on myself. I thought all of my problems stemmed from him and his lack of motivation and his incapability to be loyal and love me. So I decided that I was done. I still loved him so much but my life could no longer be all about him.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that all my problems came from me. His lack of motivation came from him. His addiction was his problem. The legal issues and infidelity came from him. I needed to focus on me. I needed to stand up for myself and say im done worrying all about you. If you fail it is on you. It doesn’t make me a bad person because you are an addict. It doesn’t make me a failure because I cant solve your problems. The fights and stress were caused by me trying to make him into something he was not ready for. I needed to let him be in order to get back to myself. I found that the first step in bettering yourself really comes from accepting your own part in the problem.

But letting go of the negative people in your life and starting a new journey that people don’t always understand is difficult. Not talking to those people every day makes you feel left out and lonely at times. Just know that in the future that loneliness will be filled with true and honest people that deserve to be in your life. The risk of jumping into a new lifestyle or a new career can be just as scary and challenging as it sounds. Trust yourself enough and believe in yourself enough to try it. You can always start over or change your path. Not everyone is going to agree or be supportive of your choice. However, at the end of the day it is you who has to look yourself in the mirror. Make sure you like the person that is looking back. Bettering yourself is an important choice in life. However, it is not easy and it truly takes time and a complete lifestyle change. Everyone deserves happiness, this may be the first step in finding it.

September 10 2014 Confused

Being hurt makes you think

what do i do

be in a relationship

have something new

what if it ends

be crushed again

hold on to nothing

stick it out as friends

moving on is scary

i say i love you

ive never had doubt

but now i feel blue

im scared so scared

i dont know what to do

i dont want to be hurt again

ive found someone new

what it it leaves

loves never true

marriage til 80

next day falls through

grow old alone

that will be grand

i want a life and a lover

i want to mix sane

but our views are different

our fights are small

they end with a kiss

but never get resolved

i dont know what i want

i dont know what to do

all i know

without a doubt

is that i LOVE YOU

August 26 2014 Focus

I put in all of the time and effort

I work so very hard

Balance school, work, and everyday life

one simple girl with awfully too much strife

Maybe they were right

this was a bad decision

dont ever live with you best friend

it always ends in confusion

eighteen years old and out on her own

working to do better, taking out loans

pushing and pushing never giving up

why cant i be normal

ignore all this grown up stuff

because you’re different my momma always said

your going places baby, lift up your sad head

people that cant see that

dont deserve your glory

one day they will be jealous

looking back at your story

so stay strong and move on,

you’re almost there

Keep striving and achieving

act without a care

because you’re going somewhere baby

somewhere they wouldnt dare

August 26 2014 Social Work

Why are you so cruel

putting your hands on a child

wait until i get to you

my response is far from mild

I am a social worker

this is my job

to keep children’s childhoods safe

even though you think im a snob

im here for the better

i wont settle for less

keeping children safe is the goal

im always put to the test

kids deserve fun, mud and play dough

not a mom that cracked out

or a dad hustling out in the snow

im gonna come in

sure step to my face

nothings gonna stop me

im keeping my children safe

its the law, you better beware

these kids need love, friendships to share

mommy read me that book

mommy please braid my hair

these children will have better is up to me

with on my side, i will succeed

look at them laughing all having fun

that was the mission and now the jobs done