Honest

Life is hard. As much as we want to be strong and pretend it’s not, it is. Problems are real. Money is hard. Finding your path is hard. Finding your soul mate, friends, career, it’s all hard. We watch movies all the time that end in fairy tales. We watch the characters struggle and hurt but we know it will all work out in the end. Why can’t life feel that way? Why can’t we see through all of our struggles? All of our pain. Why can’t we believe that it is all going to be okay in the end? This year has been nothing but hurt after hurt, disappointment after disappointment. I used to be so positive. So on fire for whatever the world could throw at me. I have lost that. I have lost my motivation to be better. I have lost my faith in people. And I have found myself not trusting anyone and pushing everyone away. But how do I not. If I don’t, I am going to let the wrong people in. Of course I won’t think they are the wrong people until they break my heart.

 

I just want to be the same girl that believed, no matter what, everything was going to be okay. I want to be the girl that believes in herself and her strengths. I want to be the girl that believes in love and marriage and the fairy tale romance.

 

But truth be told, I’m not. I just truly do not believe it is in the cards for me. People can say that I’m being dramatic or that I’m naïve or young. But I am so afraid of being hurt again that I would rather stay lonely for the rest of my life then to have to relive the pain of another heartbreak.

To be honest, I don’t know why I can’t get over it.

I don’t understand how someone that loved you could turn around and hurt you so deeply. I will never understand how someone that loved you could go out of their way to make you feel like the worst person on the planet. So unlovable, so unworthy, so useless. I don’t miss who he is, but I miss what he was. I do not miss the relationship but I miss being important to someone.

 

I miss someone just simply asking how my day was or just checking in to ask if I needed anything. I miss someone caring about my dreams and goals. I miss having a partner to do life with. I miss the peace that came from being able to trust another human being with everything in your life. But now its just me. I am relearning how to depend on myself. I know that at the end of the day, it will only be me here and that’s okay. Sometimes I just wish that there was someone else who could relate. But what comes with letting someone in or letting them see you that vulnerable is the chance of letting someone break your heart. Friend, boyfriend, family, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes it is just easier to stay to yourself. Sometimes life can get really lonely but at that same time, life becomes really safe.

Life

You know life is a funny thing. You can be doing so well, thinking that you are going down the right path then BOOM!! Life decides to take a crazy turn. It may be hard, and untrustworthy, and questionable, follow it anyways. Deciding to follow my life as it took me down “the worst” path imaginable, was the best decision I ever made.

On July 4th 2014, my friends asked my crush out with us. That night we stayed together and from then on were inseparable. Our relationship soared and we got serious very quickly. I love you at 3 months, moving in with each other at 6 months. I was in love over my head. We woke up together, went to work together, and came home together. There was no one I ever wanted more. Our relationship did not go without arguments and problems. However, I believed that our love would conquer anything. 2 years in and things were not working out the way they should have been. We were no longer going to bed together, we were fighting all the time, and he was not coming home at nights. I called it quits and decided maybe we needed some time apart. We decided we would work on things from different homes. Things went from bad to worse. He decided he did not love me anymore and from there I was devastated. I thought my whole world was upside down. I didnt know who i was without him and that scared me. I was upset for months and months until one day, i decided i didnt want to be upset anymore.

I picked myself up and reminded myself that there are many different roads in the world and they all can get you where you are supposed to be. My relocation didnt work out, my job didnt work out, my friends, and my relationship didnt work out. But I was still ME. No one could take that away from me. I knew what i wanted in life. I knew what it was going to take to get there. And I was not going to let anyone stand in the way of that anymore. Did i know how i was going to get my life back on track? No, to be honest i still dont. But im trying. I am taking the risks, meeting new people, having a drink, staying up late, creating memories. Life is constantly going to change. It will knock you down and it will make you feel like its not worth it anymore. But it is. Eventually, you will get back up, you will smile again, and you will move on. Life has a funny way of pushing us to our limits just when we need it the most. Its scary and hurtful and hard but if the road your on now isnt making you happy, take a detour. Because sooner or later you will end up on one that will.

Addiction

Addiction is REAL and it is SCARY. It grabs people quick and NEVER lets them go. People watch documentaries about how all these people are evil low lives that will put you at gun point for money. They have the most extreme perception of what an addict is and 9 times out of 10 it is nothing like that. Until you experience addiction yourself or have someone close to you, you will NEVER fully UNDERSTAND. Addiction can get ANYONE. The girl in your class, the boy that goes to your church, it doesnt discriminate. Some addicts have the best hearts and are honestly doing the best they can with their lives. Some you would never even know were even using. Addiction is THE most frustrating topic to me because there is only a handful of people that will think it through. Most people write them off and never give them another chance. What if that was your son? Brother? Father? Daughter? Sister? Mother? I understand it is “their choice to start using” so “I dont feel bad that they are addicted”. But what kind of thought process is that? Why dont people stop to think, I wonder why they started using. I wonder what they were going through in their mind for them to think that escaping reality is the only option. Why don’t people care more about the person behind the drug, than the drug itself?

People think its easier not to care because then you wont be disappointed. I can understand that. Ive been there. Ive been there screaming in the face of an addict with tears running down my cheeks. Ive woken up in the middle of the night to an empty bed and a locked bathroom door. Ive found burnt spoons and syringes hiding in areas I never would have even thought to look.  Ive been there with blankets and ice water, and a puke bucket during withdraws. Ive been there in the court rooms and lawyers offices. Ive been there. And it does suck and it does drain you. It does feel IMPOSSIBLE at times. But you cannot give up. You may be the only person that gives a shit about them. Whats going to happen to them when you do give up? God only knows. You cannot change an addict. You cannot out smart an addict. You cannot force an addict. What you can do is be there. Provide guidance, do not enable. Do not condescend. Do not get frustrated. They will only try to change when they are ready. And when that time comes you take full advantage. These are people who are lost, hurt, and confused. People that, in their mind, have no hope for happiness, a future, or a change. Be that faith. Be that hope. Remind them everyday that they are better than what they are going through. Show them a different side of life. Plant the seed and water it everyday. It may take a week, a month, 5 years, 10 years but eventually it will grow and they will want better.

There is nothing harder than losing a person to these evil drugs. Nothing worse than waking up everyday and not being able to snap or text your friend. Not being able to hear their laugh or see their smile every day simply because they thought that this drug would feel better than how they were feeling at that certain time. There is nothing worse than wondering what you could have done to prevent this crisis. That this can be preventable. That she didnt have to die. She didnt have to use. But she did and this is where we are now.

So youre right an addict makes their own decisions. And yes sometimes their actions are awful and wrong. And yes you have the right to have your own opinion of them. I just wish more people would realize that these people need help. These people need others and they need hope. And we are able to give them that. We are able to show them a different way. And no, we cannot save them all but even if we save just one, that is one HUMAN BEING. that is one son, one Brother, one Father, one Daughter, one Sister, one Mother. That is making a difference. I just wish more people would think about these things more rather than simply writting them off. Addiction sucks and its sad and scary but it can be BEATEN. and you can help someone do just that.